习惯

又是周五的傍晚，并不热，只是没有一丝风。
阳台外，依旧嘈杂，忙碌的身影，平淡的生活，每个人在自己的小世界里，盲目蹉跎。
我很安静，也可以很清闲，但我却避免不了平淡，和无穷无尽的蹉跎。

几日没有写博了，今日偶过，竟然发现了些许的荒芜。
不写，不代表没有故事。
事实上，这几日有新鲜的野外培训，有美丽的婚纱照片，有空前的财政危机，有机票的一波三折，还有甜蜜的纪念日。
只是，写与不写，无关故事，只关心情。
不动脑，不动笔，不动心，不动情。
身未动，心可以走远。
反之亦然。

打开空调，是因为怕电脑烧坏掉。
可是，却又冻坏了自己。
矛盾，总是矛盾，为什么连开空调这么小的事情都是矛盾。
所以总是不知所措，像个傻瓜似的，不知所措。
只是，我和傻子唯一的区别，就是我知道自己傻，而傻瓜不知道。
所以傻瓜比我快乐。

结婚纪念日那天，收到了e-card. 很浪漫的红，还有很甜蜜的话。
那些话语，我相信都是真实的。
而我什么都没有给与。
没觉得自己错了，没觉得自己幸福。
直到刚才。
傻子，典型的傻子。

手机里，有新到短信。
每日天气预报，招商银行广告，中智论坛邀请，还有你无意发过来的空白….
那些总在我渴望和等待时来的，
都是无关紧要的，都不是我想要的。

倏忽抬起头来，阳台外，已不见了日头。
天空惨白惨白的，没有白云或乌云，只有低矮的屋顶，和不时掠过的飞机，那么近，仿佛随时可能掉下来。
其实生活在虹桥机场附近，随时会有生命危险，
然而，在哪儿不是呢？

昨夜的梦，在今早醒来时还很清晰，
到现在，只留下模糊的影子。
依稀有老家的房子，表妹，灾难征兆，祈求，还有战战兢兢。
后来怎样了，不得而知，或者说没有后来。
表妹家没有灾难，我也不必杞人忧天。
可战战兢兢，却其实是习惯。

习惯，总是越聚越多
习惯脸上不放表情
习惯没有目标地眺望
习惯在黄昏发呆
习惯在写博时听音乐
习惯MSN
习惯手机
习惯短信
习惯孤独
习惯身边人
习惯与自己分离

一遍一遍重复旧的习惯，掉进新的习惯，或许这就是生活。
那么，我要试着习惯没有你的日子，因为那是将至的必然。
当这样的日子已炼成了习惯，
才可以更自在地生活，平淡地生活，哪怕蹉跎。

The Road Not Taken

The Road Not Taken

-------Robert Frost

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Broke

I am broke, totally.

Sitting on bed, with all my bank cards in front, adding them together, I am sadly confronted with a reality that I would never want to have anything to do with??I am totally, definitely, abso-fucking-lutely broke.

How could I end up like this without awareness!

Freezing all my money for the visa, making the rest barely enough for the plane tickets, was Stupid No.1.
Following friends’ idea to take wedding pictures at this critical time, was Stupid No.2;
Not staying rational enough to resist those beautiful pictures, overtaking double of the amount I should have had, upgrading the picture frames to the most expensive type, hence the consequence of almost tripled budget, was certainly Stupid No.3, No.4 and No.5.
Useless shopping, restaurants, parties, taxies……No.6, 7,8…..

On average I do one stupid thing every month, as far as I am aware of.
In glorious May, I successfully broke my record. Bravo!!

I normally use “I am a woman, and all women are irrational” as the excuse to forgive myself.
And it’s never failed

What’s been done has been done, I need to look forward.
Therefore, It’s not too late to make new plan with tight budgets:
1, Hold my bladder and use the restroom when I get to the office, save 10 kuai for water, 20 kuai for toilet paper.
2, Stop using the treadmill, one stone killing two birds. Not only save the power for treadmill, but also save power for air con, say 100 a month.
3, Staying home all the time, and whoever wants to see me can taxi to lovely Zhudi Town, they will be more than welcome. So 500 kuai taxi fee saved.
4, Definitely no more restaurants. I will prepare meal every day, and prove that I can be a good wife too. Will make nothing but salad, by which means I will save 100 for gas 1000 for restaurants.
5, I understand as a good wife, I should make the food more optional, so besides salad, we will eat ice creams, fruit, and yogurt, but not rice. Say 0.5 kuai a bowl, so can save 30 kuai a month

Above are what my economical brain can think of, so far I can save about 1800 a month.

I will keep thinking, sure smart Grace can think of more than that.

签证

终于拿到了去美国的签证，一颗心，总算尘埃落定了下来。心绪突然平和，对谁，都会不自禁微笑，也包括对你。
愈加相信冥冥中自有定数，顺与不顺，从来都没有绝对。
上次踏足美使馆，还是一个月前，排队，抽号，并没等多久，恍恍惚惚，就轮到我了，然而结果是材料不足，更漫长的等待。
而今天，最早进，最晚出，足足等了有4个小时之久，但面试的时间紧紧只有2分钟，终于，如愿。

其实签证的紧张，已从一个月前，从我伤心踏出大使馆的那一刻起，便开始潜伏在我的身体里，以抑郁的形式，连我自己都无法辨别地，不时发作。直至昨晚，我挑出了衣橱里最短的牛仔裙，和最清凉的贴身小背心，踏上最高的高跟鞋，去衡山路的酒吧Party，和认识的，不认识的人们大口喝酒，大声说笑，眼泪都出来了，看起来真的很开心。

那些据说很好的啤酒，我每样都试了，但其实从来都分辨不出来好坏。酒和烟一样，喜欢的从来都不是它的味道，而只是它们颓废的气息。

我用整晚的时间，喝掉了四瓶酒，用每瓶酒的时间，作为等待的区间，然后以更大声的说笑和更多的酒，作为每个等待的结束和祭奠。
但我的颓废，我的狼狈，不会与你或任何谁分享。

昨夜的雨疏风骤，于今晨已无任何痕迹可寻。
独自清醒，去面对我该面对的签证拷问，紧张、害怕，都是我一个人的事，而对你及任何人，我，微笑依旧。

A Sleepless Night

Midnight.
The night is no longer young, but I am still sober, not tired at all.

Too much coffee, I guess.
Curiosity kills cats. Don’t get yourself into any dangerous experience that you know you will regret one day.
I tried on glasses 10 years ago, when I had perfect eyesight, simply because I thought it was fashionable. Now I can’t even read a whiteboard 2 meters away.
I tried coffee 5 years ago, when I could remain energetic all day without any caffeine, simply because I thought it was cool. Now I am so addicted that will get headache without it.
I tried cigarette, according to my uncle, 20 years ago, and fortunately was too young to appreciate it and form any habit.
Sometimes I want to try it again, simply to see whether I will get addicted this time.
Simply…..
All the reasons are “simple”, in another word, stupid.

Or I am getting old. The older you are, the less sleep you need.
A woman at 24 and at 26, with only 2 years difference, can be very, very different.
When she is 24, in the first half of 20’s, she stills feels like having all the time in the world and everything can rewind for her. Don’t like the job? Get another one. Don’t like the boyfriend? Get another one. Don't like the city? Move to another one. Countless “another one” line ahead.
When she turns 26, in the later half of 20’s, so close to 30, suddenly she realizes she doesn’t have too much time left, meanwhile has too much connection with the “previous one”. Get another job? But what if can’t get a better one? Get another man? But what if the next one is even worse?
So many “what if” make her more and more cautious as time goes, therefore most of women keep boring life and have beautiful dreams, and only a few of them can break through and try to make the dreams come true.

I say so because I know, and yes, bingo, I am 26.
After my 26th birthday, I started to say “I am getting old”.

My principle for a happy marriage is: marry an older man, 3 years, 5 years, 10 years, no problem. This way no matter how old you are, he is always older, and that will be your life time advantage.
Hence Panda.
I start to feel the threatening of aging, but Panda doesn’t share the same fear, he feels he is still very young, despite he is older than me.

Q: “When does a woman fear oldness?”
A: “Always”

Q: “When does a man fear oldness?”
A: “When he falls in love with a younger woman”

So I guess it is a good thing after all. Let Panda keep feeling young forever.

Still not tired.
But time for bed.
Good night.
Sweet Dreams......

烟

总是觉得，抽烟的女人，是有故事的女人，有隐忍的，曾经沧海难为水的淡然，在烟雾轻柔弥漫的朦胧中，是颓然的，绝望的，无比落寞的脸。一圈一圈地从无语的口中吐出的烟，无力而坚强地以向上的姿态飞舞，随即烟消云散，总是徒然。

她不会抽烟，也不喜烟的味道，可却总有抽烟的冲动：一个人，一根烟，静静地，躺在竹编的摇椅上，一上一下的悠着，隔着袅袅的烟雾，瞪着黄昏的天空，看鸟儿飞过，看云彩变幻。

不是没有怨的。
每每想起，便有一把酸酸的柔软的剑，从心底陡然窜起，横冲直撞，刺痛全身。
这样的委屈，她不愿说出口。只是心绪愈发复杂，不知如何安置。
所以不自觉时而柔情，时而怨恨，时而熟稔，时而疏离，这样的忽冷忽热，忽远忽近，全都掩藏在平静的外表之下，任心中波涛汹涌，脸上始终带着若无其事的笑容，无丝毫痕迹可寻。
万千心绪，以此唯一方式，无声泄露。
别人不懂，他也不懂，而她，徒有寂寞。
越清醒，越冷清的寂寞。

当寂寞已成习惯，当某天，把自己抽离出去，去看那个躺在摇椅上的落寞女人，她赫然心惊：朱颜依旧，红颜未改，而心已过万水千山沧海桑田，垂垂然老态尽显。

状态

这样的夜晚，微湿，沁凉，真好。
依旧赤裸的皮肤，依旧把万家灯火关在窗外，依旧有点冷。
这样的状态，不觉间已成为习惯。

喜欢莫文蔚的嗓音，有点沙哑，有点颓废，在低吟浅唱中，是无尽的百转千回。
是熟悉的不能再熟悉的旋律，可每次这旖旎的音符传来，她都会身陷，发呆，黯淡．．．

门外有他走动的声音，在木地板上，铿锵有力，是那样的熟悉。
还有他的朋克音乐，嘈杂疯狂，她永远都无法欣赏。

不用想，她也知道他此刻在干什么，就像他知道她在干什么一样。
这样的理所当然的习惯着对方，熟悉对方像熟悉自己一样。

她和他，相识５年，
５年，到底在人生中占据着怎样的位置？十五分之一？那应该很短是不是？
可是，为什么，因着这十五分之一，注定了后来的三分之二的日子？

写给自己

本是个随遇而安，无甚远大志向的女子。小桥，流水，人家，有炊烟袅袅，有春暖花开，还有一夫，一子，一闲职，就构筑了我向往的天堂。不求出人头地，不求美名远扬，不求妻随夫贵，只愿家人安康，不用受生活所累，就这样一辈子，无风无雨，无波无浪。

而实际上，
在谈判桌，我亦步亦趋，亦张亦弛，把三十六计都用上，表面上笑滟如花，心里在想怎么打倒对方。
在公司里，我对下属亦褒亦贬，或疾言厉色或微笑夸奖，心里在想怎么管理对方。
对上司或据理力争或委屈退让，心里在想怎么保护自己且取悦对方。
明明喜欢看娱乐版，看小说，可却强迫自己去看经济专栏，看时政要闻，即便不知所云，直至梦会周郎。
喜欢漂亮衣服，可每每买后会自责半天，喜欢尝遍各地美食，可还是强迫自己做个厨娘，吃自己会烧的那几样。
觉得钱财是阿堵物，生不带来，死不带去，真有亿万家财又怎样，可是却每天惜财如金，最大的爱好就是看着存折上的数字上涨。
本是心高气傲，别人剩下的我不要，别人不要的我更不要，可是当别人剩下的而自己一直想要的东西真的放在自己面前，还是乖乖接受，把小心小性全部牺牲在一旁。
我要学习，要考研，不求别人以我为榜样，但求不至于前浪死在沙滩上。
我已有一夫，却尚未要子，怕家庭影响我事业的看似蒸蒸日上。
我不要小桥了，不要流水了，不要炊烟了，不要花开了，一心只想要城市石头森林里的100平方。

每每回头，看曾经青涩的自己，渐行渐远，直至消失不见，遂拉紧身边人，这样至少还有明天。

不如归去

在如水的清晨醒来，会有些碎碎的念想，如气息般萦绕，挥之不去，因而莫名，整日笼罩在淡淡的抑郁中。

就像现在，刚下完小雨的夜晚，阳台外的灯火在水氲中朦朦胧胧，微凉的初夏晚风，趴在沙发上，裸露的双脚有丝丝凉意。这样的夜晚，独自一个人的时候，什么都不想做，只是任那莫名的感伤，肆意盘旋。

是那样的敏感，纤弱，稍微的一刺，就痛得蜷缩了起来，可我不说，还要挂上灿烂的微笑。就这样一再地刺痛，一再地微笑，惊觉这已是坚强。
原来，至柔即至刚，是这个道理。

还在痛，可连安慰都不让自己等，因为知道安慰它不可及，亦不可靠。

原本是想寻求温暖的，可温暖和寒冷其实就是一线之隔，一念之间。
或许原本就是冷的，是我一意把它想成暖的，太冷的时候会有一丝的清醒，可片刻之后又因着对暖的渴望而朝着它过去，想着把它捂热了，以后就不会冷了。

只是我忘了，世界上永远没有暖冰的存在，冰热了会变成水，从指缝中溜走，干干净净，连痕迹都不会留下。

此刻的我，有一点冷，可是我就这样，近乎赤裸地，最大面积地暴露在凉风里。
想着如此增强自己的抗寒能力。

只是无论怎样，脸上都要带着笑容，如一颗开花的树，即便不为你，只为我自己。

门打开又阖上，复又打开，复又阖上…
不如归去，不如归去，不如归去…