Crazy World

I always know that American visa application process can be very crazy, but, I didn't know it's THAT crazy.

In the last 5 years with Panda, I've never determined to start this visa battle. No time, no desire, and the most important reason, admit or not, might be that I am too cynical to do so. Chinese girls dating Laowai are always seen as either for immigration or for money, better both.
Latently, psychologically, to prove they are wrong, I married not-so-rich Panda, and haven??t given visiting America any try.

Recently I start to think: 5-years is enough to prove my point, now I shall release myself from that handcuff proudly, and shall shift from the extreme of fighting against the world, to the other extreme of ignoring the whole world.

Antagonizing or ignoring? These two attitudes appear conflicting but indeed compatible, like twins who love each other but also hate each other.
I dated Panda when everybody around me told me not to, only got more determined with more objections.
I kept our relation longer than with any other guy when everybody thought we would break up within 6 month, and I would be pathetically abandoned. I posted the news of our marriage on Chinaren, with the happiness of revenge.
I've never tried to go to US when everybody thought I would, and got more proud with more people realizing they were wrong.

I confronted the world, by telling myself :I don't give a shit about how others think, why should I let them affect my life?"
I thought I was ignoring the public opinion, ignoring the world, indulging myself wandering in my own proud and cynical ego.

But I could be wrong.....I was wrong....

Fighting is definitely not ignoring, on the contrary, fighting is an extreme reaction towards external effect that is too intensive and strong. So when I though I fought because I didn't care, in reality I fought because I cared too much.

Ignoring means how people think don't get to me at all.
I shouldn't do anything just to be against the others, the reason should only be because I want to.
I shouldn't care about how others think, but should be truly responsible for myself.
I shouldn't try to prove anything, nothing needs to be proved nor does anybody expect my proof. Nobody wants to see the result that I am right, but they all want to see I am wrong, i.e. they are right. So my conclusion is: everybody is trying to prove they are right. When everybody is only seeing themselves, fighting against themselves, why don't I just forget about myself, and enjoy.

That's how I changed my mind and decided to go to U.S..

planed to write about the crazy process of visa application, somehow my stream of consciousness went to the above bullshit. No wonder I could never get high score in writing at school.
Well, I will write about the visa application next time, will stick to the theme, I promise.

Panda & Grace

Panda is one of the countless animals called “husband”, who we women regard as aliens. Here are a few stories that prove we don’t call them aliens for no reason.

1,
One day, I came home from work, and saw panda holding a long Japanese sword, posing like a brave warrior, with very serious looks on the face. Looking towards the direction his sword pointing to, taking a long time, I finally found his foe?a small spider.
Panda looked very miserable, and apparently it had been a tough battle for him.

“Don’t move, and don’t be afraid, I almost got it, give me 5 more minutes” Panda warned and comforted me considerately.

I walked near the spider, swept it down to the floor, stepped on it, and it was dead.

2,
Panda’s foes are not just spiders, but also fish.
In normal Chinese families, it’s the men that kill the fish and the women cook
In my family, it’s me that buy live fish, get them killed (by the fish man), wash off the blood, and then cook.
It’s Panda that then eats 80% of them.

Who will believe that me, Grace, one day is forced to be somewhat like a butcher?
All because I am afraid of fish with unclear life or death situation, so is Panda.
Unfortunately, he is more stubborn than me. And I am more a wife material than he a husband material.

So I will carefully pour the killed fish into the sink, and then jump 1 meter away immediately, wait for one minute to see whether they will jump. (Believe me, they do jump even after their belly been cut open). Then carefully pick them up to wash off the blood. Don’t be surprised if you hear occasional scream coming from the kitchen, that’s Grace screaming and throwing the fish to the sink when their slippery bodies suddenly move.

Meanwhile what does Panda do besides giggling and laughing at me?
“Honey, shall we make fish soup or steam them?”

3,
I once told Panda to change the blanket cover.
Panda researched it and tried around with it for 10 minutes.
And then said: “That’s it, I am done. You do it.”

独自

我喜欢在阳光灿烂的清晨，早早出来等班车，站在离家不远的十字路口，看人潮涌涌，川流不息，那刻只有我是静止的，这样的想法会让我突然感到特别的孤独。

我病态地喜欢孤独，所以我喜欢逛街。喜欢穿上最喜爱的衣服，戴上最精致的妆容，冷冷地接受别人的偶然回望，空洞地穿梭在各个拥挤嘈杂的商场，从一家 店移步到另一家，从不停歇；不知疲惫地试穿一件件的衣服，看着镜子中的那个女人呈现千姿百态，熟悉而陌生。不需要买什么，不带有任何目的，只是用这样的方 式把自己置身于陌生的人群中，让自己和别人同样地忙碌着，忙碌到忘记了吃饭，忘记了真实的生活，忙碌到没有时间去想不快乐的事情，就这样饥饿着，疲惫着， 直到对身体的折磨让我不得不停下脚步，便可以以疼痛为借口而流下泪来。

我喜欢在阳光灿烂的周日，背上巨大的黑色肩包，从遥远的城西坐公车，换地铁，再走路，用去一个多小时的时间，去繁华的南京西路的培训班上课。一路 上，和我偶然相遇的陌生人，各为了各自的目的而同我一样，在美丽的周日如蚂蚁般穿梭在这个石头森林，披着灰色的外衣，同我一样。我喜欢静静地坐在教室里， 不同任何人说话，周边的那些同学的脸孔都已熟悉，只是我们不说话，他们之中，有同我一样的人们吧，飘洋过海，从自己的世界抽离，把自己放到噬人的陌生中， 放逐。

总是要在阳光灿烂，因为那时候的世界是美丽的。在美丽的世界里，才有勇气去直面孤独。因为相信每个人的孤独都是一定量的，所以，我努力地去直面它们，努力地一个人把它用完，这样，在现实世界中，剩下的就不多了。

如果想坚强起来，停止哭泣，就给不爱自己的人发去短信，他们的冷漠会让我的心冰冻起来，连带冰冻起我的眼泪；如果想继续哭泣，就给爱自己的人发去信息，他们的关心会让我温暖，解冻我的泪水，这样它们一旦流下来，就停不住了。

所以如果你在一个阳关灿烂的日子里，看见一个女人独自闲逛，无它，她只是孤单。

梦

这几天，夜夜有梦。

可能是因为要去马来西亚的原因，前夜，真的梦到了去马来西亚，只是满目荒凉，好像还有战火纷争。

我不知是何原因，一个人在逃离，有好多的行李，很重，我一个人，辛苦地拖着它们，不知去往何方。身边的人各自逃生，谁都顾不得彼此。
后来，偶遇了那个我生命中第2个暗恋的男人，是十多年前分别后的第一次见面，但竟丝毫没有陌生和意外。我们像昨天刚见面般的微笑，拉手，拥抱，他卸下了我的所有行李，拉着我，去他避难的港湾。

醒来后，我竟真的觉得很累，仿佛真的在战火中仓皇奔跑了很久一样，手心，依稀有他的温度。
还记得梦中，他的脸庞，一如十多年前般稚嫩，他的身体，却不再瘦弱，有男人的宽阔，可不是他的……

Happy Women's Day

Till now, I have received 1 e-mail, 3 presents, 9 text messages and 22 greetings, with the same content: “HAPPY WOMAN’S DAY”

For this “God knows what to celebrate about” holiday, I bought myself one pair of pants, one T-shirt, one pair of shoes and one pair of under dress. Just so Panda won’t bitch about my crazy shopping, I bought him a pair of track pants, to keep his mouth shut.

I know---

I know--- I don’t really need the shoes. But it was 20% off！and they really make my feet look prettier!

I know--- the pants are a little big, but its 50% off! With a belt it should fit me better. And I may gain weight in the future.

I know--- the green T-shirt looks great, but I can’t wear it to work. I know I just moved it from the shopping mall to my closet, and paid some freight. But it matches the new pants perfectly! Make a totally different style. Besides, buying both the pants and the shirt, I could get 60% off.

I know---my current numbers of bras can last me for 2 weeks. But the one I bought yesterday was of a different color! Now I can say proudly that I am closer to rainbows in my closet. Besides, it is woman's day, we have to buy under dresses on woman's day, just like we have to get cakes on our birthdays!

I know, I know......

Crazy Woman and I am unfortunately one of them. But in a day like today when women are driven crazy by the discounts and men are driven crazy by their women, I am doing just fine to keep myself happy and keep Panda happy. (Of course he is happy, I brought my own wallet).
Except for one thing, that in the next half a month, I will have to feed myself with instant noodles, to make up for the money I spent today!

I am Sick

An old saying: Sneeze once, means someone is missing you; sneeze twice, someone is scolding you, sneeze three times? ---- You’ve caught a cold!

So what happened if you sneeze four times? I asked myself after my forth sneeze.
A) You are seriously sick
You are sick and missed by one person
C) You are scolded by one, and missed by two people.
D) You are scolded by two
E) You are missed by four
The reality is A, but I use answer E to comfort myself. When I am physically suffering, at least I can make myself psychologically joyful.

Took a hot shower, soaked myself in steaming water until my skin started to revolt, I transferred from the hotness to the warmness---- My bed! This is the third time that I am in bed at 7:00 this week. First day I was bored, second day I was lazy, today, I am sick. So guess this is the theme set up by God for this week. So for my own goodness, I’d better not to try to break it.

So after a HOT shower, drinking HOT water, with a HOT head (fever), I found something that doesn’t belong to the HOT group appearing on my HOT lips----- a cold sore, right on the lower lip, a small round transparent protuberance, whose existence is unnoticeable to others but annoyingly obvious to its hostess. According to my long cold sore history, I know it will grow merrily and wildly during the night, like the devil locked in the hostess’s heart that will sneak out rapidly given a tiny aperture. Its happiest moment is when its hostess sees herself the next morning in the mirror, screaming. So tomorrow, either it will be happy, or I will be happy.

My head feels heavy; it’s been heavy since this noon but at first I thought it came from the small “fight” I had at work, until now. I am a lover, not a fighter. Guess its right that “When you are emotionally strong, you are physically weak, vice versa”. Hence Stephen Hopkins. So the fight didn’t directly cause the headache, but moved most of my energy to the front and weakened the back fortress. So when I was focusing on fighting against others, virus was attacking me! What a fair world.

Just sneezed again! I am missed by 5 people at the same time! What a lucky girl.

Panda & Grace

Tonight when Panda and I were having hotpot, again, for the third time this year, I asked him:
- “Hey, what shall I write about on my blog? I am running out of
topics”
- “I got up at 6:00 in the morning, boiled some water for my
coffee, but burnt myself…… and I forgot to feed my cat before
I left, the poor thing must be starving……” Panda started to
play stupid.
- “Shut up….. I think I will write about different sides of
women” I looked “deep”
- “Woman’s sides, there is the top front side, middle front side,
back side…..” He lifted his cute round face; mouth stuffed
with food, spared some time, and answered my question as such.
(Under the strong request of Panda, I hereby clarify that he did understand me, but just played stupid)

After dinner, here come the classical discussions:
- “Hey Panda, I am going to bed reading.”
- “So early?! You don’t want to spend some time with me?” He gave
me an upset look
- “Or I can sit with you, but then you won’t have the whole
couch….. so….. you want me or the couch?”
- “Couch”
- “All right!” so we both go to our warm resorts happily.

乱

人都是这样的傻，对身边的人和事，不屑于关注，吝啬自己的时间和精力，以为得到了，便不需要再经营。
而我，虽聪明地知道该做什么，却傻地不去做。
我究竟是聪明还是傻子？
..................

我总是喜欢浸淫在自己的世界里，一遍遍试着地整理纷乱的心情，虽总是徒然。
有好多好多的心绪，在脑中盘旋游荡，像幽灵般的，可却一个都抓不住。
..................

每个人都知道自己的命运终点，只不过它太遥远，至少有好几十年的时间可以逃避，所以没人会终日为那个结局而恐慌，所以每人都陷入了“今天”的泥淖里，只在为眼前而喜悦、悲伤……
可是，几十年光阴后的那个结局可以先不去管它，那一年的呢？三年的呢？五年的呢？也可以不用管么？
我不能逃避，因为这些结局如同生命终结一样必然，因为这些结局没有给我长至忽略的时间去逃避。我既无法逃避，且无法忽略，所以我莫名恐慌，焦急，可却找不到出口……
.................

女人总喜欢把自己藏起来，好像这样就可以安全了。
可藏起来就有用了么？藏起来了明天的太阳就不会升起么？
要藏就骄傲地藏吧，可真的是有毅力的人么？干吗还要偷偷探出头来呢？想看看有没有人在找你么？知道了又有什么好呢？若没人找你，岂不失落？若有人找你，你就会乖乖现身么？
真实矛盾又简单至极的动物！
.................

人犯了错，一般都不愿意改正，想着：就一错再错吧，一再沦陷，终究会着地的。

时间

（一）

看着镜子中的那个自己，这个每天都会见面的自己，似乎10年来，没有任何变化，身高、体重、脸庞……似乎一切都没变。而身边的人，身边的事却已物是人非， 结婚、生子、飘零四方，仿佛他们都已搭乘上了那班时间列车，而自己却错过了，他们一一离我远去，远远地把我留在了时间长河的原地，忘记了我的存在，我也对 一批一批新的过客应接不暇，淡忘了那些远去的人们。

可我真的没变么？亦或是，时间它调皮地蒙住了我的眼睛。
当某一天，我突然睁开眼睛，会不会，发现一个完全不同的自己？
（二）
2007年的情人节，收到了一支黄玫瑰。
2007年2月15日到25日，要回家过年，满怀歉意地用透明的玻璃瓶，装上满满的水，把她孤独地浸起来，没有维它命，我能为她做的，就只有这么多……
2007年2月25日，回到家，打开门，赫然发现，这支孤单的玫瑰，依旧脆弱但坚强地灿烂……