武装

黑色及膝铅笔裙，短袖衬衫用一根黑色绸带束在腰间，黑色的高跟细带凉鞋，头发简单地盘在了脑后，没有妆容，没有香水，摈弃掉所有的女性暗示，只戴了副银色水滴耳环和酒红墨镜。深深吸了口早晨并不算清新的空气，面带坚强的微笑，就这样走出家门，来到人前。

我知道内心强大的人是不需要外在武装的，可我只有把自己打扮成这个坚强的模样才能挺起胸膛去面对将要面对的一切，包括自己的决定。所以我知道，即使跟自己说一万遍“无所谓”，我其实还是很软弱，像蜗牛一样，无可救药地软弱。

但至少，我可以把软弱隐藏掉。

摔碎

七月的最后一个周末越来越走向尾声。昨晚的宿醉，昏沉了我的头脑，从接近中午起床，到现在傍晚，我明明白白地知道自己都不曾清醒过，昏沉到连这样普 通的周日，都不知道该如何自如打发。冲了3次澡，洗了2次头，喝光了2大杯咖啡，和1小杯茶，看了29次手机，连续不停3小时调换频道，在跑步机上走了 20分钟，早饭2个包子，午饭没吃，晚饭半个西瓜，洗掉了所有的脏衣服，电脑开机了3次，关机了2次，头发扎起来又放下，复又扎起来，在房间里来回走了无 数圈。终于，此刻的电脑显示是19：30分，我已经洗完今天最后1次澡，刷完第2遍牙，很不雅地趴在床上，第101次听莫文蔚的歌，等待着，以睡眠来给这 样的昏沉划上句号。

或许是那太毒辣的太阳，或许是屋里空调不均匀的冷气，或许是昨晚的Margarita, 或许又到了满月时分，我放纵自己的不安，让它在这个炎热的七月周末达到极限，不加控制地，关闭我的大脑，我的理智，关闭所有可关闭的思维。让自己的感官无 限放纵，无限奔涌，直至到达浪尖，终有个极限高度的浪尖。

浪尖之后定会破碎成不堪的浪花，无数的逗号之后定会有一个句号，相信如果不去省略任何一种可能，就能在看到每个可能延伸到的不通的终端之后，心安地回复原点，去固守唯一一条畅通的路。

两清

我以为我没有想你，因为你鲜有入过我的梦境。
我以为我很绝情，因为我没有强烈的欲望要去看你。
我以为我很冷漠，失去了世界上最爱我的你，却仍能好好地继续生活。

可为什么我的目光停留在同龄人身上的时间越来越短？
它跳过两年的距离，五年的距离，十年的距离，二十年的距离，是否它要达到二十二年的距离，才能就此停住？
二十二年，那是我和你之间的距离，那是你当我父亲的所有时间。

我为什么不那么悲伤，为什么不那么绝望？
恍然明白，从我失去你的那一刻起，我就开始寻找你的替代品。条件反射般的，却不自知。

病态地寻找，病态地漠视青春。
这就是你要的结果对不对？作为对我当日叛逆的惩罚。
我还没来得及给你的爱，你原来早就开始跟我一一讨回来。

如此，我也不欠你什么了。

失眠

昨夜，没有征兆地突然醒来，看看床头从不关的手机，显示是午夜12：00。
好像终于把所有的觉都睡够了，在这个午夜时分，忽然彻底醒来。
仰卧、俯卧、侧卧、如此辗转反侧，终不得眠。
我知道自己是清醒的，我知道那样的清醒不是幻觉，不是梦境，因为到现在，我依旧能够清晰记得，10个小时之前的我，脑子的忙碌。
我想过，何苦要这样；我想过，什么时候把自己给弄丢了；我想过，这样不行啊，得努力把丢失的找回来；我想过，一个人在昏黄的路灯下独自跳舞，有萤火虫绕 肩；我想过，戒掉吧，从咖啡开始；我想过，明天要穿上那件最爱的海蓝上衣，和牛仔短裤，把头发放下来，戴上Keep Sake的戒指；我想过，明天该怎么办呢？是戴上快乐的面孔，还是忧伤的，还是无所谓的？我想过，为什么还是睡不着呢？我想过，天真热啊，这个夏天怎么这 么长呢？
失眠本来就是个悲伤的负担。
是因为悲伤才失眠，还是因为失眠才悲伤？
十年前听张楚唱“孤独的人是可耻的”，无法理解。
现在才知道，却原来孤独的人，悲伤的人，失落的人，所有所有不快乐的人，都是可耻的。
想着自己的可耻，终于重新睡去。

安静

外面很嘈杂，是属于上海的熟悉的嘈杂。然我的心，却很安静，如那个遥远国度乡村般的安静。刚刚习惯又瞬间失去的安静。
出奇安静的时候，耳朵会不知所措，眼睛会渗出水来。
回来已经好几天了，时差的影响逐渐从我身体里褪去，渐渐地没有痕迹，仿佛就从来没有经历过一样，我真的曾晨昏颠倒过吗？真的连时间的共同点都曾片刻失去了吗？
到了晚上还是会很早地犯困，于是放纵自己早早睡去。知道凌晨3点会醒来，知道醒来后会辗转反侧，就听之任之吧。又何必刻意控制，何必连作息都一定要和他人一样！
在美国碰到一位保养得很好的女朋友，已过不惑，却快乐年轻地像25岁一样，她说秘诀是不沾咖啡，且喝很多很多的水。作为正面的礼貌的反应，我说我也要向她学习，从此以后戒掉咖啡。
虽然是寒暄之言，但想想未尝不可。那就从这里开始吧，如果连咖啡都可以戒掉，又还有什么戒不掉？还会害怕什么抽空的明天？
如果真的可以戒掉，便不会在归零的时候，除了绝望，措手不及。
如果真的可以沉默，便不会在一切归于平静之后，忍受不了从嘈杂到安静的空虚。
本来无一物，何处惹尘埃。
不想失去，那就干脆什么都不要好了。
不知所措，那就干脆什么都不做好了。
如此。。。。。心安。。。。。

Niagra Fall

This is taken from the Canadian side.

This is the border between America and Canada.
I guessed I cound't pass the Canadian Customs without a Canadian Visa, but still tried my luck.

All I Can Do

I always believe that a single person will never make any difference to the world, and the world won’t stop rotating for anybody. Hitler, Newton, Einstein… they just happen to be the chosen ones, if there weren’t them, there would be someone else.
I believe the truth is there ought to be chosen ones, but not necessarily Hitler, Newton, or Einstein.

I believe everybody is simply living their own lives, which interact with others’ but is just one of their options or known existences. This option or existence, may be a bad to know, or a good to know, and once disappears, may be a relief, maybe a melancholy, but always temporary, seldom an exception. As time goes, you will stop contacting your old “best friends”, and start to make new “best friends”, you will move your “ex” from your “true love/only love” position and let someone else sit in that chair. You will free yourself from the grief of losing your closet family, and move on with your life.

I believe what time can do is so powerful that even the most loyal and determined person can’t rival.
I believe forgetting is human nature that as the forgotten, we have no choice but to accept it as a fact, rather than being angry about it.
I believe that we who forget, can only try to hold the intense feelings as long as we can, before they fade away, to their dunned destiny.

Thus, I am a pessimist.

Being away for a couple of weeks, I straight forward tell those I miss I miss them; I want them to tell me if they miss me too. Friends, family, I cherish and magnify the temporary intense interactions, when they are still strong, before they fade away, grasp them tight when they are graspable.

because that’s all I can do.

Warren

Kinzua Dam

Someone is climing the rock, I would like to try that given more time here.

This is really a great place, a totally different life style. It's not a bad idea to move here.
.........
after I retire.

异乡

这里的天很纯净，一望无际的蓝，和层层叠叠的白云，让人眩目恍惚。
这里的空气很新鲜，人烟稀少，绿树丛荫。有安静的村庄、不知延向何处的街道、和频频飞驰而过的汽车。
喜欢在鸟语清脆的清晨，坐在室外门廊的摇椅上，等待阳光逐渐跳到枝头，举目眺望远处的绿，或抬头看天上的蓝，大口大口地呼吸美国乡土的空气，还未参杂人们香水或香烟味道，还未染上汉堡或三明治的味道，此刻的空气，没有国界，会让呼吸的人，也忘了身在何处。

担心我会无聊，所以他想办法安排了不同的节目，可其实我最爱的，倒是这份沉静，千里迢迢来到这异国他乡，却只想在鸟语花香之中，蓝天白云之下，在摇椅上，一壶茶，一个电脑，就这样，一整天的时光。只是，这样的疯言疯语，不能说与他人听。

一连几天的汉堡Pizza沙拉薯条，整个人仿佛都撑大了一圈，戚戚然每日起床便量体重，待看到那数字没有上升之后才舒了口气。但真的想念家乡的清水挂面和萝卜白菜，还有便宜得可以无限畅吃的水果。买了点两美元一镑的葡萄和草莓，小口小口地吃了，满足地笑。

一片青紫不知何时出现在了右腿上，肆意地肿胀，无声无息地，只有在轻触时才感觉到疼痛。我知道，它是沉默心灵寻找到的出口。这样的方式，也好，至少疼痛是自己的，于他人是安全的。

Happy Ending

Today I was taken to a Casino, by Panda and my in laws, who I think are very brave by doing so, because they could develop a latent gambler.

We were given 50 dollars each, as our gambling capital. After a tour around, I chose a machine that looked lucky and started playing, not knowing what I was doing at all, but I could tell when I was losing and when I was winning. So folks, I can’t tell too much about the process, but I can proudly tell you the result, that is I walked out with 85 dollars.


So yes we walked out of the Casino, into a buffet nearby, had a wonderful meal that was too much that would later cause some damage to my stomach and weight. And then, when we tried to walk into the Casino, an interesting story happened:

Well I went to the bathroom so was left behind, and when I tried to walk in alone, the guard stopped me and requested my ID, pointing at the sign which says “You have to be 21 or older to enter”.
“You are kidding? Do I look like 20? That was 6 years ago” I felt ridiculous.
“Sorry sweetie, please present your driver’s license”
“But I don’t have one, I am from China, and am just here for 2 weeks, but I have my Chinese ID card.” So I showed him my ID, feeling really lucky that I have the good habit of carrying it around.
The guard checked it carefully, turning it back and forth, just when I thought all problems were solved, he took his speaker and talked in a very low volume, which got me nervous, although I shouldn't have been.
“Sorry lady, I’ve never seen a card like this, so I need to get my manager here”
Wonderful, I thought
A few minutes later, his manager, a young and tough man came, with a little book. Later on I found that was a book with different ID’s of different countries.
“Great, my ID is what all Chinese adults hold, and now can I go?”
Apparently not yet, the manager checked my ID even more carefully, and 2 minutes later, he said with a apologetic tone “Sorry lady, they don’t match”
I couldn’t believe it, so took a look at the “ID” on his book, and found out it was a Chinese driver’s license.
I was speechless. With out my passport, with out a driver’s license, with a legitimate ID which American guards don’t recognize, I suddenly became a possible 20 year old foreign girl who is illegal in the Casino.
“Sorry sweetie, you are so young and beautiful, you do look around 20, I am sorry I have to ask you to leave” the guard gave me his final command, in a political and flattering way.

So, the ending was, I was kicked out of the Casino, with 35 bucks more, and pleased about the sweet misunderstanding, meanwhile also feeling rediculous how lack of commen sense they are for not recognizing Chinese ID but assuming Driver's license is also the most powerful ID in China just like in America.

Anyhow, I still call that a happy ending!

Photos in Warren U.S.

From Warren

See the smile on my face? Actually I was shivering in coldness.

From Warren

From Warren

Birds Eye view of Panda's hometown.

From Warren

This gun is real.

Options

Today I received a call, when I was doing my laundry, from one of my old colleagues in my previous company, who calmly told me that she was fired, as the most loyal employee who stayed in her position for 2 years, longer than any other employees that the company ever had, of course, including me.

Getting fired is not a new story, we hear people getting jobs, leaving jobs all the time, actually according to an authoritive survey, younger generation, so called “the 80’s” tend to change their jobs once every other year. But what surprises me is that she, the best “money machine”, gets fired. My formal boss had to make a choice between her and another new girl, and sadly she was the sacrifice.

I always think that when comes with choice; there is never a strict principle separating black and white, it’s not a matter of who is right, who is wrong but rather a matter of who is more important. So surprisingly he gave up the “money machine” for some new girl who had barely made any money for the company.

As apposed to my discontentment for her, she sounded very calm, “We shouldn’t punish ourselves for other people’s stupidity” she said, and I totally agreed, but don’t think I can reach that ethic level. I couldn’t help but wonder: “If I were to be put into a choice for other people to make, would I be the sacrifice? How many times people have given me up for others? And how many times people have given up others for me?”

It is a silly move, to even get into those questions and put myself into that position. It’s silly to ask my boss: “If you had to make a choice between me and another manager, who would you choose?” It’s silly to ask Panda: “If now there were a younger and prettier woman liking you, would you leave me for her?” It’s silly to ask myself: “If I could go back, would I take the same road leading to where I am today?”

Although silly, I am still drowned into the puddle. As a silly woman with a wise brain, sometimes I throw away my logic and wisdom, actually, I do it very often. So I am going to seek answer from Panda, more accurately, to confirm the answer, because no matter how, the answer is going to be the same. The only difference is, sometimes it’s true, sometime it’s a lie, and it’s not up to the answer giver, but is up to the answer receiver, to interpret.

Or the smarter way is not to get yourself even close to the situation, never make yourself an option for others to choose. Leave a job before the job shuts the door, leave a man before the man leaves you, leave a city before the city locks you out.
Escapism.

Or even smarter way, is not to leave, but always strive to be the winner. We can’t avoid being one of the options for others to choose, but at least we can avoid being the sacrifice. Keep ourselves strong and independent. If we want to leave, leave early, if we don’t want to leave, then make sure we are the chosen one, and can stay.

What a great ambition, what a lofty idea!
But who can always win? Who has never failed?
So I guess in the end, after all those ups and downs, there is not much we can do but to calmly accept it, just like what my friend did.

Happiness is not generated from gaining more, but from caring less. That's all life is about.

自欺

在刻意的沉默之后，终于没有了一丝消息。
就像在提前预演那个可知而唯一的未来。噬人的空洞，被抽离的疼痛，身不由己地潮起，再毫无救赎地潮落，狠狠地摔下来，碎成一片海。
对那愈来愈近的破碎和疼痛，总在想自己是无论怎样都无法渡过的吧，于是凄凄然侥幸那毕竟是未来，还未曾是现在。
可其实，现在的日子，和自己害怕的那个后天的后天，又有多大区别呢？
虽未离开，但却不在我身边。
那么是在我十米之内，还是千里之外，都是一样的，都是不在我身边。
原来自己害怕的以为遥远的明天，早已悄悄降临，慢慢侵袭，只是庸庸而不觉罢了。
只是自欺欺人罢了……